Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?