Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

rebranding

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?