Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The answer is funnier than the question
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
What
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical