Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.