Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.