big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Stop.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
