Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES