Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

😂💯

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.