Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet