Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress