Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

found my next D&D character name

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Have kids, they said

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.