*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
certified hallow’s eve classic
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons