*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Single worst piece of software ever invented
