Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.