Big day for borderline gambling addicts and Frito-Lay
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
called in thicc to work this morning
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.