big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.