big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes