Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.