Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.