Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
👍
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means