Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Incredible customer service.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

I unironically love this joke.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother