Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever