Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Oops 🤭
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”