Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

this will hang in the louvre one day

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.