big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
🚲+physics = winner
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Did…did a minotaur write this
