big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
a New Yorker reject, for you
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
We don’t deserve birds.
