Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
This is hilarious
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.