Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here