Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Think I pulled my liver
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.