@3sunzzz

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

- @3sunzzz

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@jnudey

please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*

@Erma_H_Gersh

9: “Mom, that’s a pretty necklace. Can I have it?”
Me: “No, I got it as a gift.”
9: “Well, can I have it when you die, then?”

@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

@FrogAvalanche

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]

Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.

[He ascends to Heaven]

@MoneypennyNaked

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.