Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”