Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I needed a laugh this morning.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.