Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.