Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
An odd boast
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin