Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.