Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
*looks at you in batman voice*