Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Cats are still liquid.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.