Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
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Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
is this meant to deter me
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.