Big Sex has us all fooled
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
water it, i dare you
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either