Big Sex has us all fooled
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[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old