Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Talk about a bad egg
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while