Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’