Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos