Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?