Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
pat pat
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I am, perchance
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.