Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???