Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.