Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects