Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts