Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Succinctly put.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems