ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.