Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.