Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]