Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
That’s not how days work.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)