bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
So the ex texted me
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Dune (2021)
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*