bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
the dark web is just a goth google.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”