Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Meth is short for Elizameth.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.