Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You Might Also Like
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Just this preview of the story is enough
