Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.