Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.