Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You Might Also Like
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me, in DM rooms…
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters