Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Why I divorced her.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Boom, boom, ching!
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”