Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Happens to everyone.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime