Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I saw nothing

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

this has to be peak English

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Blew out my flip flop…

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape