Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1414196302632660992/pu/vid/640x352/9UQzTy81lEqAoAdf.mp4?tag=12

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

My dad is at it again

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea