Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists