Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers