Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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Worlds greatest photobomb
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…