Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
never stops being funny
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”