Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

me after eating Cheetos

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications