Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

The legends were true

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?