Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

This is amazing.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]