Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?