Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

But that’s none of my business

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Story time

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!