Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver