biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes![]()
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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