biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no