Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I’m a bad influence on myself.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

old twitter is back baby

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.