Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
No, he would not have.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!