Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

A friend helps you before you need it

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”