Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.