Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

same vibe as tangled headphones

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies