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nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.